Altevogt: Madden knows nothing about NFL picks
It’s 2008, and Doc Brown has yet to perfect the DeLorean. Time travel is still impossible, but the best method I know for predicting the future of sporting events is to take that year’s video game and simulate a season.
Madden 2009 says Buffalo, Indianapolis, Pittsburgh and San Diego will win their AFC divisions. Minnesota, New Orleans, Philadelphia and St. Louis will win in the NFC.
New England will struggle all year long, finishing 6-10 after Tom Brady is injured (OK, that’s frighteningly accurate). Peyton Manning will take home his third MVP.
In a rematch of last season’s divisional round contest, San Diego will again defeat the Colts in Indianapolis, 24-23. Minnesota will dispose of the Rams in the NFC championship before going on to down the Chargers in the Super Bowl.
Repeat after me: Tarvaris Jackson, Super Bowl-winning quarterback.
Clearly the creators of Madden have made a faulty product. Here are some more realistic predictions:
The Baltimore Ravens will finally solve their quarterback issues. They will sign Archie Manning out of retirement, and he will become the third straight member of his family to bounce the Patriots.
Joseph Addai will lead the AFC in total offense. His sweet moves will be attributed to his new training program in which teammate Marvin Harrison allegedly shoots bullets at his feet, forcing Addai to dance around them. (Later it will be found that Harrison owns the gun but did not fire the shots.)
We got a pretty good idea of what Chicago was all about last season, and, despite some early success last week, that won’t change much this time. In other words, the Bears are who we thought they were!
Brett Favre will throw more interceptions than touchdowns and his childlike enthusiasm won’t sit well in New York, especially when the Jets go 7-9. Fans will be calling for his head by week eight.
The Colts will win their sixth straight AFC South title in the league’s toughest division that includes Jacksonville and Tennessee as well as Houston.
New England will win its sixth straight AFC East championship in a slightly weaker division that includes last season’s 1-15 Miami, Ben Davis and Hanover College’s ‘B’ team.
The Dolphins will triple their win output from last season. You heard it here first.
AFC favorites: New England, Indianapolis, San Diego.
NFC favorite: Dallas.
Fatally flawed AFC: Jacksonville (discipline).
Fatally flawed NFC: Minnesota (quarterback).
AFC teams to watch: Buffalo, Cleveland.
NFC teams to watch: New Orleans, Philadelphia.
AFC story of the season: Brett Favre. Greatest football player of all-time or the greatest football player in the universe?
NFC story of the season: Donovan McNabb. Is he still alive or has he been living with Tupac in Jamaica?
